If You Meet the Buddha
In 1972, the late Sheldon B. Kopp, psychotherapist and author, published his book, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! The premise of his book was that all truths lie within us; we need not depend on therapists, gurus and others to find them for us. In other words, if someone claims to have all the answers, run the other way -- fast.
Over the decades, I’ve thought about this book when I meet those in the helping professions who, without malice, may do more harm than good or, at the very least, usurp our time, energy and money.
Friends, clients, family members often lament how difficult it is to find a therapist, counselor or coach who’s philosophy and style jibes with their own. As someone who relies on others to support my goals, I can empathize.
Successes and False Starts
I’ve had some successes and false starts with counselors and coaches in my own quest for truth and justice. Sometimes dumb luck leads me to a match, like the time I picked a therapist out of a list provided on my insurer’s website. Other times such a list leads to a dead end.
When I was struggling with my stepmother role, I searched long and hard for a therapist who had first-hand experience with this role. Although direct experience with a presenting problem isn’t necessarily a requirement for being an effective therapist or counselor, I believed (and still believe) that only someone who has experience with this confounding role really gets it. I eventually found a therapist, who helped me feel less alone and less crazy.
Because false starts can be expensive and time consuming, I’ve developed some tips for screening therapists, counselors and coaches.
What Works?
Do you want someone to hold your feet to the fire or to provide a space for venting? What has been effective for you in the past? I’m a pragmatist who has analyzed my life backwards and forwards. Whether in counseling or coaching, I need feedback and a whack on the side of the head. I have clients who prefer lots of assignments in between appointments, while others just want a safe space to talk about their struggles.
Credentials and Modalities
Anyone can call him or herself a counselor, a coach, or even a therapist. This is especially problematic when shopping for coaches. One can get life coaching certification in a weekend.
I do know someone who calls herself a therapist without credentials or licensure. A friend hired her and discovered her form of therapy consisted of breathing exercises. Although my friend was very disappointed, others might not have been.
I had a therapist who could not remember my concerns (or even the particulars of my life) from session to session. While I found this incredibly annoying and disrespectful, her caseload was full of folks who thought otherwise.
Ask for a Referral
Some of my best experiences with therapists, counselors and coaches were a result of a referral from a friend or acquaintance. When you’re clear on what you need, others are able and delighted to make suggestions.
Most of us who are in the business of helping others want to feel successful. To this end, we offer complimentary consultations as a way to determine if a client is a good fit. Obviously, this is an opportunity for the client to check us out, as well.
Just the other day, I got a referral that I thought was going to be a disaster. I was all set to refer the caller to a colleague when he offered up the magic words indicating he was looking for someone with my specialty.
Fall into Love
I once attended a workshop led by a wise and talented psychologist, who told us that our job was to “fall in love” with our clients. Sometimes uncovering someone’s lovability takes a while; this is true on both ends of the relationship. In fact, this is true in ALL relationships. Given that, I usually give my helpers (counselors, coaches) the benefit of the doubt. But If the relationship isn’t feeling meaningful after 3 or 4 sessions, it may be time to cut bait.
On Halloween, I was interviewed by Business Talk Radio. In this short piece, I was asked what sets me apart from others in my field. Here’s a link to the interview during which I attempted to distinguish myself:.