The Pursuit of Happiness
About a hundred years ago, award-winning author Edith Wharton said, “If only we’d stop trying to be happy, we’d have a pretty good time.” All these years later, we’re still making ourselves miserable trying to be happy.
Our unalienable right to pursue happiness is one of the most recognized phrases in the U.S. Declaration of Independence. Note that this document does not say that we have an unalienable right to BE happy.
Happiness is fleeting, temporary and elusive. In his bestselling book, Stumbling on Happiness, Dr. Daniel Gilbert makes the case that most of us are terrible at predicting what will make us happy. We buy an expensive garment and regret it almost immediately, we take a job that causes more stress than pleasure, we move to a new house or apartment that has different problems than the previous one, and we start new relationships that drive us crazy.
The Agony of Silver
Even when we’ve worked our entire lives toward a goal, once we reach that goal, we’ll likely feel genuinely happy -- perhaps ecstatic-- for about 15 minutes. In her excellent podcast, “The Happiness Lab,” Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos, uses examples of Olympic medalists to illustrate how elusive happiness can be.
Dr. Santos cites studies of second-place finishers, silver medalists, who show clear signs of unhappiness upon learning about their award. The way we subjectively frame our successes (and our failures) determines our happiness. In the subjective estimation of second-place finishers, they lost the gold instead of having won the silver.
Hope for the Best, Expect Nothing
Two culprits that undermine our pursuit of happiness are expectations and screwy reference points. Too many of us compare our lives to the highly curated and fictional versions of living we see on social media.
Research studies confirm that as we enter our late ‘60’s we become “happier.” Despite diminished capacity (or perhaps, because of diminished capacity), we are more satisfied with our lives. On the surface this seems counterintuitive; we’ve been clawing our way to the top (or in some cases, the middle) only to backslide in our later years. And yet, researchers say we’re happier.
I notice some aspects of this in my workout routine at the gym. I’ve had to let go of being anything but mediocre --hell, I’d settle for mediocrity. As I’ve watched my physical strength decline, I get satisfaction knowing that I’m still ambulatory, and still showing up for yoga, strength training and other activities. Being among the oldest in the room helps me NOT compare myself to my younger counterparts.
I don’t expect to be as fast, as strong or as nimble as I once was, nor do I expect to be as fast, strong or nimble as those my junior. My expectations and reference points are aligned with reality.
Party Time
Social gatherings are Petri dishes for agony or ecstasy; many of us love to hate these opportunities to be social beings. A 45-year old (cited as among the most unhappy demographic in many studies) might attend a social gathering with the expectation or hope that he or she will meet a business contact or even a potential romantic interest. A 70-year old would likely attend to get out of the house and be among the living. As it turns out, I’m in one of those demographics: the latter.
Last December, I attended a holiday gathering with an attractive 40-something woman. While we were seated enjoying the refreshments, a young-ish man pulled up a chair next to mine and introduced himself. Although he acted interested in chatting with me, I understood that 40-year-old men rarely come to parties to meet 70-year-old women. He wanted to check out the woman next to me.
The Art of Now
There’s a lot of freedom (and resultant “happiness”) in knowing that the stakes are low. At parties, I don’t need to impress anyone or make contacts. I just need to be me and enjoy being alive.
This is the basis for the Eastern philosophy of living in the present moment. Perhaps our mortality helps us let go of pretense and just be. Undoubtedly, you’ve heard the adage, youth is wasted on the young (attributed to George Bernard Shaw). Conversely, the wisdom of old age need not be wasted on the elderly. Living in the moment can be practiced on a daily basis at any age.
If our ultimate aim in life is to feel happy, we may be chasing windmills. The process of chasing our dreams, however, is where real satisfaction resides.