Befriending the Mobster
Millions of us witnessed the horror of an angry, violent mob storming our U.S. Capitol on January 6. Many, myself included, saw the rioters as deranged, evil, and not worthy of our consideration. We saw them separate from ourselves. But what if we viewed the rioters differently? What if we felt compassion instead of anger? What if we recognized that the rioters were trapped in their own pain?
Clinical psychologist and meditation teacher, Tara Brach uses the metaphor of an animal whose leg is caught in a trap to help us bridge a compassion gap we may be feeling between “us” and “them.” Trapped animals are often aggressive. Instead of reacting with anger, we might approach these animals cautiously but with empathy and, maybe, a desire to help.
Shortly after the Capitol insurrection, an airport video went viral of one of the rioters, who refused to wear a mask, unable to board his plane home. The man’s anguished cries brought to mind the metaphor used by Brach of an animal caught in a trap. In this case, the trap was of his own making which is true of much of our pain.
Like all of us, those who behave badly, even criminally, are suffering. Their lives have not turned out as planned; they’ve had losses and disappointments and, perhaps, trauma. And during the past year of tremendous loss and fear, which of us can’t relate to crying out in anguish?
Our Brains to the Rescue
The images of the mobsters at the Capitol were of cartoonish characters, some dressed in costumes that seemed to be straight out of Central Casting. They represented the demons inside us, horns and all. These images reflect what happens when we allow our basest instincts to overrule our highly-evolved prefrontal cortex.
The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the part of the brain that regulates our thoughts, actions and emotions. It provides insights and allows us to alter decision-making. This is where good judgment resides. Another, older, part of the brain–the amygdala– responds to stress and conflict by releasing hormones that activate the fight or flee response. Our attention narrows and we lose perspective.
Real But Not True
When the amygdala hijacks the functioning of the PFC, we react like trapped animals. The amygdala doesn’t distinguish between real danger (such as lions and tigers chasing you) and imagined threats (such as “socialists” destroying your way of life). Tibetan teacher, Tsoknyi Rinpoche introduced the phrase, real but not true. Our emotions are certainly real but are often based on lies and untruthful stories we tell ourselves.
What differentiates us from most of our relatives in the animal kingdom is our ability to reign in the amygdala and engage in higher-order thinking. We can stop ourselves from being reactive and use our consciousness to help us escape the trap. By practicing mindfulness, we gain control of our emotions. Mindfulness is the willingness to stay present and experience our emotions with curiosity, not judgment.
Since January 6, I’ve noticed my heightened emotional reactivity. When I returned home with my take-out dinner order and discovered it was incomplete, I was unusually despondent about having paid for items I did not receive. And when the receptionist at my health care clinic told me I would not be eligible for a COVID-19 vaccine for quite a while and would need to travel 36 miles when I’m eligible, I become angry.
On another day, I bristled at a group of adults occupying the sidewalk, forcing me to walk in the street and negotiate my way around oncoming traffic. I wanted to scream like the man in the airport video.
What I know is this reactivity is a huge energy drain. What’s more, reactivity serves no purpose. To paraphrase a Nelson Mandela quote, our reactivity is like drinking poison and hoping it will harm our enemy.
Psychologists, neuroscientists and meditation practitioners alike suggest that by recognizing our emotions and where we’re feeling them in our bodies, we can control them, rather than have them control us. We need not allow these emotions to rule our behaviors. We can use our prefrontal cortices to help us process what we’re feeling.
Quieting the Mind
I did call the restaurant to let them know my order was incomplete and returned the next day to retrieve the missing items. In addition, I talked myself out of my anger about not getting helpful vaccination information from my health clinic. I realized that the unlucky receptionist assigned to answer vaccine questions was ill-equipped to deal with the onslaught of inquiries and was likely poorly trained in how to respond. And, I breathed deeply and watched my step as I circumvented the congregants on the sidewalk.
Beyond talking ourselves “off the cliff,” we can also work on replenishing our energy when we’re feeling depleted by our reactivity. Moderate exercise and creative activities have a positive impact on restoring our equanimity.
Befriending our difficult emotions—our internal mobsters—helps us make good choices and improve our wellbeing. Instead of maintaining an “us” vs. “them” attitude, we can cultivate an “us” and “us” one.
As I reflect on the concept of befriending the mobster, I’m aware that befriending does not mean condoning harmful, unlawful activities. Accountability is important. Not only must we hold the rioters accountable for their actions, but we must hold ourselves accountable for any harm we may have caused ourselves and others.
Accountability can live beside grace and forgiveness. We can both hold ourselves and others accountable for wrongdoing and we can forgive. We forgive not because anyone deserves to be forgiven but because we deserve peace of mind.