Owning Ordinariness

I once heard psychologist, author and Holocaust survivor Edith Eger say, “It takes courage to be average.” I remember instinctively nodding in agreement. Later while pondering that statement, I wondered: why is being average courageous? Only when I paraphrased Eger’s statement ever so slightly, did this proclamation make sense to me. It takes courage to own being average.

If we’re conditioned to believe that only great things are accomplished by great people, then the rest of us can get pretty discouraged. Yes, some great people (regardless of how you define ‘great’) accomplish some great things; however, numerous people who possess superior intellect and promise accomplish little.

The correlation between IQ and achievement has been studied and debated for decades. Distilling all the studies, one can safely say that high IQ may predict academic success. Beyond academic achievement, personality traits, such as perseverance, open-mindedness and flexibility, play a greater role in determining success and achievement outside the classroom.

The Illusion of Being Special

Feelings of inferiority can and do inhibit some people. Most of us recognize this tendency in ourselves, at least some of the time. What’s less relatable is the inclination to disown insecure feelings and overstate one’s skills and talents. Social psychologist David Dunning calls this phenomenon, illusory superiority.

Dunning’s research reveals that most people believe they’re above average in intelligence. Of course, statistically, this is nonsense. What’s more, the majority of us believe that we’re more skilled than others in areas such as driving and work performance, and in qualities such as generosity.

Overestimating our qualities and inflating our own abilities can help us feel confident—transitory as this feeling may be—but the danger in this type of self-deception is that we don’t learn from our mistakes. Ultimately our lack of competence becomes apparent.

In large part, the illusion of being superior or special is cultural. Narcissism has been observed as long as the existence of the cautionary tale of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in the waters of a spring. Today, a growing number of social scientists believe that the prevalence of narcissistic behaviors has increased dramatically in recent years.

In no small measure, this increase can be attributed to how we raise our kids. Child-rearing practices shifted from being adult-centered in the ‘50s (“children should be seen and not heard”) to being child-centered by the ‘70s (“children should be seen and heard by everyone”). Preserving children’s self-esteem was the goal that created ‘A’ for effort and morphed into the belief that every child is special.

Researchers Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell believe that telling children that they are special has contributed to creating generations of narcissists. In their book, The Narcissism Epidemic, they wrote: “Loving your kids and telling them so is not the same as telling them they are special.”

Daring to Be Average

Many great things are accomplished by ordinary people, like you and me. Acting great makes someone great. Such actions often involve removing our armor and being vulnerable—engaging with a stranger, trying a new activity, or even asking for help.

I recently completed a manuscript that I plan to turn into a book. If I thought I needed to be a superior writer of superior intellect with a superior pedigree, I wouldn’t have written the first sentence of that manuscript. Instead, I courageously convinced my average self to write a book.

Call it hubris, but none of us would get anything done if we didn’t dare to be ordinary. Sometimes our ordinariness can be an excuse to do little, to not challenge ourselves. Our ordinariness can also mask our perfectionistic tendencies. The thinking goes like this: if I can’t be perfect, then I might as well give up my dreams to achieve anything.

In the dozen years I served as a school counselor, I observed perfectionism in some of the students with the lowest grade point averages. These students would prefer to receive a zero on an abandoned assignment than a less-than-perfect grade on an assignment that they submitted.

Those of us of average intelligence, average abilities, and average appearance can feel proud of being in the game and accomplishing whatever it is that we accomplish. Dr. Eger was right; it does take courage to own being average and it takes courage to take action, not in spite of our ordinariness, but because of our ordinariness.

“A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things.”

—Barack Obama