Limbo Land
While billions of us worldwide remain in some level of quarantine and wait for the all-is-clear signal, I’m reminded of the Samuel Beckett play, Waiting for Godot. As you may remember, the two characters in the play pass the time in mundane dialogue as they wait for the elusive Godot, who never appears. The time the characters spend together seems interminable. If you’ve read it and/or watched the play, you may have experienced some relief when the curtain falls or you come to the final passage.
Waiting has become a global pastime these days. The danger in this waiting game is that we’re in the same existential crisis as the characters in Godot. Our lives feel on hold until something out of our control transpires. Living for the future has a certain allure, especially when the present is stressful.
Believing/hoping our situation will be better when we return to work or start seriously looking for work is natural. Counting on life improving when we can resume our regular routines, whenever that is, propels us into a future and away from the suffering we’re currently experiencing.
The If Onlies
Most of us have played this waiting game before; I know I have. The way this game plays out is something like: my life will be so much better when I find a partner, leave my partner, have children, don’t have dependent children, make more money, get promoted, change jobs, move to another house or apartment, renovate the house, etc. etc.
Although I believe in the value of making changes as well as the positive nature of shaking things up, I also know that living in and for the future contributes to a miserable present.
Finding a Rhythm
During my first week sheltering-in-place, I awoke every morning imagining various ailments including a sore throat, the canary in the coal mine. I took my temperature with a suspect thermometer, downed herbs and supplements, and remained vigilant for other symptoms of disease to appear.
Now, in week four, I’ve entered into more a rhythm. When I start feeling anxious, I note it instead of looking for reasons to feel more anxious. Like everyone, this isn’t the 2020 I hoped for but it’s what I’ve got.
The Little Things
Difficult as our situation may seem, finding the small joys in the present moment can help make all this bearable. An unexpected phone call, an offer to help, the expression of gratitude, or the satisfaction of learning or relearning a skill or acquiring knowledge are like little gold nuggets these days.
Last week, a neighbor delivered a quart of fresh blueberries, which, otherwise, would have been buried in the busyness of my pre-pandemic life. As pathetic as this may sound, the gesture and the pleasure of this wholesome treat made my day.
Mind the Mind
Although we are still experiencing shortages of certain commodities, undoubtedly your inboxes are filled with helpful tips to get through this intense time, as well as invitations to join virtual meetings and meditations.
Religious and secular leaders are offering webinars to get us on track and talk us “off the ledge.” During normal times as well as during crises, we must pick and choose what works best for us. I gravitate toward Buddhist teachings and practices, which seem to have taken hold while our live are on hold. Because the term mindfulness has become a bit hackneyed, I am determined to get through this blog post without using that term to describe what I’ve been practicing.
Instead, I’m practicing minding my mind. Like all of us, random thoughts pop up in my head from moment to moment. Some are innocuous such as, what should I fix for lunch today? and some are disruptive (my internal Zoombombing) such as, I can’t wait for this Zoom meeting to end.
When I’m not minding my mind, I can let these random thoughts spin out of control and take me far, far away. My random thoughts can turn into excessive worry and rumination in no time: I’m starting to feel a little sick, this crisis is going to result in even more homelessness, we’re all going to become destitute. When I’m aware and awake, I notice the thoughts without giving them too much dominion.
The Path to Acceptance
If we emotionally resist the reality that is facing us, feelings of fear and anger result in inner turmoil. Judging our pain as being either right or wrong does little good. By telling myself that my fear and anger are justified, I fan the flames of fear and anger.
For example, I can get seriously worked up; i.e. angry, about what I view as incompetent and deliberately misleading political leaders. How easy it is for me to support my angry feelings! Just a few swipes on my newsfeed will yield a treasure trove of examples.
Fear begets fear and anger begets anger; the more we look for reasons to be fearful or angry, the more evidence we find. On the other hand, being self-critical about feeling fear or anger is akin to banging one’s head against the wall in response to a headache; or as TV newsman and author, Dan Harris says, pushing a bruise to make sure it still hurts.
Awareness of feelings and thoughts, then, is the first step on the winding road to acceptance. Limbo Land is where we’ve arrived -- neither denying nor fighting this new territory will get us out alive and whole.
I wanna live, I wanna be aware.
I wanna live, I wanna be awake.
We can make it out alive
As long as we just try.
Lyrics from “Aware and Awake” by Coldrain