Mea Culpa, Part 2
On July 29, I posted an article on my blog titled “The Mighty Mea Culpa,” outlining the reasons many of us are resistant to apologize for our wrongdoings and providing some tips for making an effective apology. On August 10, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo resigned from office after multiple allegations of sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior.
The Guilty Mind
Cuomo issued a half-assed apology in which he repeatedly asserted that he never intended (emphasis mine) to offend anyone or cause harm. Cuomo may be Neanderthal in his wokeness but he’s no dummy. Intention is the hallmark of culpability in the eyes of the law.
Most crimes require that the perpetrator act with intent. Because intent is a mental state and rarely does an accused person admit to intentionally acting unlawful, it is difficult to prove. But that is exactly what prosecutors attempt to do via circumstantial evidence.
In sexual harassment cases, a patten of behavior is considered as evidence of intent, especially after the inappropriate behavior is repeatedly brought to light. For Joe Schmoe who harasses a member of his staff, he will likely get a free pass (or “free bite” when it comes to dogs) the first time he crosses the line (that same line that Cuomo claims has been redrawn when he wasn’t looking). Once an accused is aware of the offending behavior, however, cluelessness is a weak defense.
Helen From HR Would Like a Word
But Cuomo situation is a far cry from Joe Schmoe’s. Helen from H.R. did not sit down with the Governor to explain what he can and can’t do in the workplace, nor was he subjected to those mind-numbing sexual harassment training videos that the rest of us must watch annually to fulfill workplace mandates.
Various news sources reported that Cuomo’s advisers had their ways of silencing those who claimed they had been mistreated by the Governor. Although the accusers weren’t found buried under Shea Stadium or tossed into the East River with cement booties, they were reportedly bullied and intimidated into submission throughout his decade-long tenure.
According the psychologist and author Harriet Lerner who wrote the book, Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, uttering the words “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough in cases of sexual harassment. Responding with empathy for the victims is necessary— first and foremost.
In addition, ditching hedging words such as if, might or may is also important. Saying “I’m sorry if I offended anyone” or “I apologize to anyone I may have offended” or “I’m sorry for anything I might have done” is almost worse than saying nothing at all. These types of non-apologies are a form of gaslighting which casts a shadow over whether the transgression ever occurred.
Responsibly Taking Responsibility
Cuomo’s apology was half-assessed because he only focused on his own ass and covering it. He rationalized his behavior as wanting to add levity to a situation and showing appreciation or caring—without recognizing the impact of his actions or conceding the harm he caused to the women he mistreated. Cuomo ended his apology with: “I acknowledge some of the things I have said have been misinterpreted as an unwanted flirtation. To the extent anyone felt that way, I am truly sorry about that.”
Here’s a rewrite of that apology absent the hubris: “I acknowledge that I have been insensitive and acted inappropriately and that I have caused great harm. I will live with that knowledge forever.”
A good apology doesn’t wipe the slate clean. Making amends and changing one’s behavior may be required in order to make an apology meaningful. As Harriet Lerner has suggested with previous offenders, restitution might be needed.
If Cuomo donates the salary that he has made from ten years of being New York’s governor to organizations fighting against sexual harassment, then, perhaps, we will believe he means business when he says he takes full responsibility for his actions.
“If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.”
― Harriet Lerner