Delusional
By now, you’ve likely seen, heard or read about Oprah’s “bombshell” interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. The pair struck a sympathetic chord with those of us who have become disillusioned with a choice we made, be that choice concern a relationship, a job, or a living arrangement. We may not have been locked up in an ivory tower but we all know what disappointment feels like.
After the interview, some people wondered why Markle didn’t know what was in store for her. After all, the tragic tale of Princess Diana was well known (even though Season 4 of the The Crown was not released until Meghan was royally drowning).
Perhaps friends warned Markle that her life would be difficult. Certainly, newscasters and celebrities went public predicting misery after she came under the control of “The Firm” (as Meghan referred to the entity that enforces the rules of the monarchy). But by the time everyone got wind of their serious relationship, it was too late—Meghan and Harry were in love.
Victim-Blaming
What did you expect? is a question many of us have heard after we’ve made a decision that proved difficult or even disastrous. Struggling stepmothers hear this voice in their heads and in the community on a regular basis. Victims of abuse or assault also face this type of accusatory question.
What did you expect going to a bar by yourself, meeting your boss at his private residence, or walking down the street at night? These are classic examples of victim-blaming.
Victim-blaming also can also be subtle and implicit. Even in its milder forms, blaming others for their bad choices is a sign of lack of empathy. Because Princess Diana was such a relatable figure, the news of her sudden death in 1997 was met with horror and grief worldwide. Few people responded to this tragedy with, “What was she thinking going out in public on a date? What did she expect?”
Sometimes shit happens or as Rabbi Harold Kushner says, sometimes bad things happen to good people. In his 1981 bestselling book by the same name, Kushner wrote: “The misfortunes of good people are not only a problem to the people who suffer and to their families. They are a problem to everyone who wants to believe in a just and fair and livable world. They inevitably raise questions about the goodness, the kindness, even the existence of God.”
At its core, victim-blaming is a way to manage our own fears. No one is spared disappointment and many people experience trauma through no fault of their own. Our lives can be unpredictable and unfair. Believing that people somehow deserve their misfortunes helps us cope with this scary reality. We wrongly-believe that we can ward off the evil eye by making rational decisions.
In the past year, especially, when we’ve experienced an overabundance of fear, victim-blaming is hard to resist. As soon as I hear a friend or acquaintance became infected with COVID-19, I want to know about his or her whereabouts, habits and mitigation strategies. If I can avoid similar circumstances, I trust that I’ll be safe.
Self-Deception
Just as none of us is immune from disappointment, we’re also not exempt from deceiving ourselves. At the heart of delusional thinking is naïveté: a desire to see ourselves and the world in a favorable light. We’d like to imagine that we can overcome obstacles that others found insurmountable. And, in some cases, that can prove true, but not without sacrifice and compromise.
For both Princess Diana and Meghan Markle sacrificing their mental health was too big a price to pay to stay the course. I imagine many of us have had the realization that a decision we made was costing us too much. My flip justification for my choices that turned out badly has been, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Self-help programs as well as spiritual practices promote acceptance as the path to emotional well-being. Acceptance and passivity are not synonymous, however. Facing external realities as well as our limited powers can help extract us from oppressive situations. By removing our blinders and taking action, we can preserve our sanity and protect ourselves from further harm.
“There is a price to pay for speaking the truth. There is a bigger price to pay for living a lie.”
—Cornel West