The Non-Toothache
A few months ago, my insomnia led to a relentless twitch in my left eyelid. The more I tried to ignore it, the more it consumed my thoughts. The twitch persisted for what seemed like eons, and then, mysteriously, it disappeared. I didn’t realize it was gone for a number of days.
This is human nature. We focus on whatever ache and pain is grabbing our attention. When the pain is gone, we move on to the next complaint. In a way, our focus on pain has kept us alive. The pain motivates us to find relief. After all, if your foot hurts when you walk, you should stop walking and remove the stone from your shoe---or get any X-ray. If you have a toothache, see the dentist.
But focusing on pain—rather than non-pain—limits our emotional and spiritual well-being. Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist monk, teacher and peace activist, first used the non-toothache analogy. He said: “When we’re having a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing. Yet when we don’t have a toothache, we’re still not happy.”
Over the years, the non-toothache has come to symbolize the importance of appreciating the absence of pain.
Mostly Good
My friend, Susan, battled Multiple Myeloma for four years until her death in 2015. From the time of her diagnosis until her death, she would often say that she was in great health except for the cancer.
At first, I didn’t understand what Susan meant (and thought it was a form of denial). Since her death, I’ve come to realize how enlightened this attitude is. In his 1990 book, Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn wrote: “As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong, no matter how ill or how hopeless you may feel.”
Dr. Kabat-Zinn is a pioneer in stress reduction. In the 1970s he began the original Stress Reduction clinic at the University of Massachusetts. In the decades since, stress and pain management clinics worldwide have used many of the techniques promoted by Kabat-Zinn including breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, guided imagery and progressive muscle relaxation.
Another strategy sometimes employed in pain management clinics is distraction — diverting one’s focus from a painful area to a non-pain area. For example, if your back hurts, you could focus on a part of your body that is pain free—maybe your hands. If your hands are arthritic, you can focus on your teeth or your eyes or your big toe.
This technique can also be applied to non-physical pain. If, for example, your work sucks, you can focus on an area of your life that doesn’t suck— friendships, perhaps. Focusing on the non-pain is a useful practice for us all.
Born to Kvetch
A genre of Jewish humor pokes fun at our tendency to complain. Here’s one version of an old joke: A man sits next to an older Jewish woman on a train. Soon the woman begins moaning: “Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty." This continues for some time until, finally, the man gets up and brings the woman a bottle of water. All is quiet for a few minutes until he hears the woman’s cries: "Oy, was I thirsty… Oy, was I thirsty…."
Although this is decidedly Jewish humor, Jews don’t have a corner on focusing on pain. Sometimes kvetching is a way to get attention; sometimes it is a way to entertain ourselves. In any case, it should be used judiciously. When kvetching becomes habitual, we start believing our own complaints. If you think things were bad enough, kvetching can make them worse.
There are better ways to get attention and empathy than complaining. Being curious about others’ lives, listening nonjudgmentally and modeling the behaviors we desire usually works better than complaining about our woes. When I can get my mind off my twitching eye or sore toe by focusing on someone else, I miraculously feel better.
“In youth, the absence of pleasure is pain; in old age, the absence of pain is pleasure.”—Henry Addington