'Tis the Season to Overfunction
This is the time of year when many of us are in overdrive. In addition to our usual routines (work, child/elder care, food prep, chores), we add gift-shopping/-wrapping/-shipping, holiday decorating, baking, more food prep and entertaining to the mix. Those of us prone to taking care of others and people-pleasing find ourselves in a whirl of activity trying to convince ourselves that all this is necessary and, even, fun.
In addition to the stress overfunctioning has on our well-being, it can also damage our relationships. As one reader aptly noted (thank you, Drew), resentments can build when one person in a relationship is overfunctioning and the other isn’t. Resentments are the ultimate buzz kill in a relationship.
In addition to harboring resentments for those not pulling their weight, overfunctioners can be cranky. And who likes being around someone who is irritable and sighing heavily?
Why We Overfunction
Overfunctioning is both a personal and a societal issue. Women, in particular, are prone to overfunction. We’re often praised for righting the ship, being the one to keep everything humming along, being organized, and putting others’ needs before our own.
When we derive our self-esteem from juggling many objects at once, it’s hard to stop. Very often, we stop because our health (physical/emotional) throws us off our game or our relationships become so painful that we’re forced to take a look at the part we play in the dance.
Esteemed psychologist and author Harriet Lerner popularized the metaphor of a relationship dance. In relationship with another (partner, parent, child, friend), we often fall into well- rehearsed steps. Those steps could involve the amount of effort we expend on keeping the relationship viable or the household running smoothly.
By overfunctioning, our dance can be more of a tap dance than a tango. Being on your toes 24/7 is not sustainable. Overfunctioners and underfunctioners make a “perfect” pair. But if one person changes her step, the dance can change.
I was recently asked what to do if you stop overfunctioning and your partner doesn’t pick up the slack. The simple answer is: nothing. If the tree doesn’t get decorated or the neighbors don’t get home-baked cookies, or the dog’s handknit sweater isn’t finished, will the sky fall? Of course not.
But overfunctioners believe they may be judged (by others and themselves) as being bad mothers, bad neighbors or bad humans. Deriving our self-esteem from what we do is a slippery slope. One false move, one unfinished task catapults us into feeling inadequate.
Sometimes, overfunctioners were born into chaotic and unpredictable families. Keeping one’s equilibrium in such a home could require one to do, do, do. Controlling our environment controls the chaos, or so we believe. Even though the chaos might abate, old habits are hard to shake.
Those who overfunction can find many reasons to continue. People and pets benefit from their largesse. Rarely does anyone tell you to stop. Outsiders LOVE overfunctioners.
Because I was a good student and got my jollies in that way, I couldn’t bear the thought of doing a mediocre job on an academic project. So, when I was in graduate school and was assigned dreaded group projects, I overfunctioned. Graduate students typically have very full plates— an overfunctioning student assigned to your group is a blessing.
I would complain to my professors after they assigned group projects knowing the fate in store for me. I remember one professor telling me how important the experience was for practicing collaboration. Had the professor claimed that the project would be a good experience for me to practice letting go, that would have been more useful and more accurate.
The Perfect Union
Perfectionists and overfunctioners are cut from the same cloth. Not all perfectionists are overfunctioners and not all overfunctioners are perfectionists but overlap, they do.
Some of us overfunction is one area but not in others and over time, we can change our focus. At one stage in my life, I overfunctioned in the classroom and in the kitchen. I’m currently embracing underfunctioning in both arenas.
Like many afflictions, I don’t believe we’re entirely cured of overfunctioning. I consider myself a recovering overfunctioner. If I’m not careful, I can try to control my environment by shifting into overdrive.
Many years ago, I regularly attended an over-the-top annual holiday party. It was hosted by a family with five daughters. The woman (who worked outside the home) would start baking and freezing in August. Next, she would sew matching outfits for all her daughters. She adhered to a rigid schedule of what needed to be done before her guests (all 100 of them) arrived.
I looked forward to this annual event until one year, no invitation arrived. I learned that she put a stop to the madness; she had become a prisoner of her own excellence. At first, I was disappointed; then I was relieved for her. After my relief, came my affection. She became a real, relatable human being who was as exhausted as I was.
This holiday season give yourself the gift of underfunctioning. Start small by not performing one tiny task that you’ve always done in the past, then work your way to something bigger. Likely, the result of your neglect will be inconsequential and you’ll have more energy to devote to those who love you for who you are, not what you do.
“Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”
― A.A. Milne