An Uncertain Future
Living with uncertainty and ambiguity feels like a burden for many of us. We crave certainty and clarity, while enjoying novelty. We want answers—guarantees. If only we were convinced of the outcomes of any of our decisions, life would be grand, or so we think.
But not only is certainty an impossible goal, it’s not necessarily a laudable one. The more productive goal of getting comfortable with uncertainty promotes exploration. Being able to make peace with not knowing is one of the cornerstones of living life fully.
The Ultimate Not Knowing
Not knowing when and how we’re going to die is the ultimate test of our tolerance for uncertainty. If we knew for sure, when and how we would die, we’d know how to budget our time and other resources. Our decisions would be simplified. Since most of us are not clairvoyant, we are subject to making questionable decisions along the way and we sometimes make choices that lead us in the wrong direction.
In her New York Times column titled “What My Father’s Death Taught Me About Living,” Lydia Polgreen wrote: “We all want to fix upon some certainty as an anchor in the rough seas. But to tolerate uncertainty is to become buoyant, able to bob in the waves, no matter the tide.” As it turns out, the uncertainty of our death serves as a model for living.
The Upside of Uncertainty
Scholars, researchers and artists alike agree that creativity is the natural byproduct of uncertainty. This belief is put forth by researcher Ronald Begheti who posits; dubito ergo creo– Latin for I doubt therefore I create.
We create our lives one day at a time, we problem solve, we find work-arounds because we don’t have assurances about our decisions. Many a brilliant invention was the result of going down the wrong path or paths. If we were certain of outcomes, we wouldn’t take risks and our creativity would be stymied. False starts often led to better endings.
Embracing Ambiguity
As with a variety of nonproductive behaviors, awareness is the first step in building one’s tolerance for the unknown. Asking ourselves how our intolerance for ambiguity plays out in our lives is a good activity for reflection.
Those who make impulsive decisions may appear carefree; underneath this impulsivity might be a need to avoid the discomfort of living with ambiguity, however. The flip side of impulsivity is indecisiveness. Discomfort with the not knowing could lead to paralysis. Sometimes we must simply decide to decide.
Another common reaction to not knowing is trying to control the uncontrollable—other people. Asking oneself: What is the worst-case scenario if I loosen the reins? helps put a horror floor on a compulsion to step in instead of step back.
The shadow lies between awareness and action, however. Here’s how a client took action—or rather, inaction. This high-functioning woman decided that she would step back from organizing a group event for her partner’s family over the holidays—something she would normally do. Asking others to take charge always seemed risky; what if things didn’t turn out well?
Instead of adding to her to-do list, she passed the baton to her partner, who wasn’t known for his planning acumen. As a result, people came and went at different times and missed each other entirely because of lack of communication. BUT no one got hurt, no property damage resulted, and, in the end, no one cared.
Another question to ponder is: What are the costs of my need to control? Often the steep costs are damage to relationships and damage to one’s well-being.
Systematic Desensitization
Building a tolerance for uncertainty may require systematic desensitization, sometimes called exposure therapy. Rather than ripping off the Band-Aid, finding small ways to let go and experience the not knowing a little at a time could be a gentler approach.
In this new year, finding new ways of responding and behaving may come in handy. I sense that we’ll all have many opportunities to test our willingness and ability to ride the waves of uncertainty. Since increasing one’s tolerance for ambiguity is linked to less stress and greater peace, shedding our need for assurances and guarantees (instead of pounds) will lighten our load.
“I realized that the principles of dying are also the principles of living.”
—Lydia Polgreen